When I was nine

When I was nine, my friend took me over to this neighborhood house. He introduced me to this fat guy I'd never met before. My friend said he likes to play games. I wanted to play so we went into this guy's basement to a room that had a bunch of boxes and an old couch with a dusty cover on it.

Then this man and my friend started to tickle me and rub my shoulders and stomach. Then they forced my clothes off and held me down. My friend laughed at me crying and trying to get away. The guy just rubbed his hands all over me.

When I started to really bawl, they let me up and I ran to get away. But then my friend grabbed me and sat on me while the guy stripped off his clothes. Then the man held me in a bear hold while my friend got naked.

I don't remember everything about what they did. All I remember is that I found that they were nicer when I shut up and let them do their things to me. I also remember the guy really liked putting his fingers up my bum.

When they were done, both my friend and the man told me if I told anyone they would kidnap me and kill me.

This is something I have held tightly my whole life. No one except one very close friend even knows this happened. When this happened to me, I remember feeling scared to death while at the same time feeling a lot of pleasure at what they did.

I don't know what to do about this. For most of my life, I have pretended this didn't happen and that I was normal. I have been having problems lately where I just can't stop thinking about it. I see boys about my age and I get aroused. I never want anyone to go through what I did, but I also feel like I want to do some of those things to these little boys.

I am so afraid of what others might think, that I'm just a freak.

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