Whate goes around really does come around!

i was seeing this incredible guy for a year and a half, and everything was perfect for the first year but then i started feeling trapped by everything.
I didn't know how to stop the feelings i was experiencing and everything seemed to break into and routine. It was a deep kind of love and i felt so attached to him but yet i still.. cheated on him with a friend.

before i cheated though, we were having problem with our families falling out so we were on a break anyway but i fell for my friend along the way i when i was with him it was like we were in relationship.

I felt terrible and along the way i was lying to him when he called and didnt mention anything at all, then his friends started hearing things about me and that guy and told him but i just couldnt bring myself to tell him, so i denied it. and before anything more happened i decided to break up with him even though part of me really didnt want to, i was just so confused with myself as i felt like i was missing out and i honestly thought the grass was greener on the other side but at the same time i was scared to lose him, i was scared i would never feel the way the same way i did with him with anyone else.

I felt that i would never experience that level of connection again. But once we've broke up, not even a few hours later he found out of someone else who witnessed what was going on, that i really was cheating on him all along.

I called him up to see how he was and he told me everything. I've never experienced that kind of pain before. My heart really is breaking but i have no one to blame but myself.

And the thing he doesnt understand is what i want from him. And in all honesty i dont know what i want from him. Part of me wants to do my own thing, and the other part doesnt want to let go off him. I cant explain what i feel like and it might sound pathetic to everyone else because your probably asking " why cheat on him?!" but it doesnt even make sense to him either, the only explanation is i thought the grass was greener on the other side but i was still scared to let go off him, so i experienced the two things at once, also known as cheating.

Its horrible. I feel horrible. and i dont know what to do. i tried calling him again but he was still upset, I know i should leave him alone and let him make his might up on what to do but i just cant bare loosing him and i cant bare staying with him.

He was so angry at me because he stood up for me infront of everyone else when they all told them what they had heared but i couldn't bring myself to tell him because in a weird way i wanted to protect him from what i had done.

Was it worth hurting him? no.
I really need some one to help me. I cant stand this. What can i do?!

-BC

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