Confessions and Erotic Stories » Relationships » I cheat just to feel responsible to my girlfriends and feel something for them
I cheat just to feel responsible to my girlfriends and feel something for them
I don't think I ever had a personality.
Ever since I was little I wondered what's wrong with me. Maybe they just copied what they heard from TV, their parents, older brothers etc, but still everyone else ended up
with beliefs, principles, or the very least something that applys to them.
I didn't understand them but for some reason I wanted to fit in and feel like they did, I wanted to have something to be angry or happy about.
I always find myself mirroring what the people around me do. I hate that, but it always happens. Every time I go home from a date or a party I get very frustrated.
I hate how I change my voice and manner of speech with every person I speak with. I have many friends,but I don't think anyone knows what kind of person I am. None of my girlfriends ever did.
I think I'm overintelligent and overeducated to feel happy about anything.
I learned the dynamics of dating and I, like most people my age 21, go out with girls and they fall in love with me. But I rather stay home then deal with the pressure of carrying out conversations that I dont even want to hold and hoping she likes me. 9 times out of 10 it works, but then again they are always confused 18 year olds and all it takes is a guy with a car and good looks. I haven't had a steady girlfriend in 2 years and I have sex just so I dont look like a loser. At first that mattered, now it doesn't. They never have the slightest idea of what I'm going through. I'm tired of being obsessed by the need for women to fall in love with me. I want to fall in love with someone regardless of how she feels about me.
I am disgusted by how I always act towards gaining people's approval when I hate myself after that. I lie alot.
About everything really.
I always do it to prove a point or to show girls what kind of person I am.. or better said what I think they would like in me. Sometimes I'm amazed at how I pull off the roles I play.
I do have this one strange belief. I don't think I have a place in the world right now. I often dream of world disasters. Living after a nuclear fallout where cameras don't record you speeding or you don't get mail to renew your insurance. How would a world without a social model work?
I live in a world of assembly-line MTV people. why does that work for them and not for me. How come they can choose life, and I can't. I understand everyone, but everything about them never workes out for me.
Nothing genuine and unexpected ever happens in this world.
I wish I wasn't so scared of heroin. Infact I know for certain that one day I will try it. Its this forbidden road, but it's something more then just maintaining face just to get through the day. It could possibly make sense for a change. Before, I liked to cuddle after sex.
Now even that doesn't work for me. I enjoy giving orgasms more then receiving them. I had trouble getting my initial erection 3 years ago, because I was worried about my performance, and maybe that determination made me good in bed. But I never wanted to learn how to last longer or be a better lover, I wanted to have things that I enjoy doing in bed. The only thing I still enjoy is kissing. And after I've slept with someone else. Then I go to her and condition myself into thinking I owe her for trusting me and
want to make her happy.
I almost broke in tears a the other night with this girl. I wished that she would tell me that she understands what I am going through and that I dont have to pretend I am someone in front of her. I never told this to anyone, I'm afraid to come clean, because they wouldn't understand me.
I used to believe that when people love me then it would be enough reason play the person I try to be. In the end, it makes me feel more alone and faceless.I'm not keen on suicide, but I don't fear death.
I am expected to be dominant in relationships. I am a guy so I'm supposed to be their shoulder to cry on when in fact I want to find someone to hold my hand and show me something that matters in life. To feel something genuine. To submit and follow her wherever she takes me. I want to meet someone like me, but someone who found a way out.
I'll try shrooms a week from now. Heroin gets more and more compelling everyday also. The only thing that stops me is that it would seem as if im taking it to run away, when infact there is nothing to run away from for me.....
I am so fucked up yet somehow I never wanted to change... maybe because I'm scared of ending up living a lie.
All I know is that the more I seek truth and emotion the more indiffirent I become to everything.
Maybe its all just a Fight Club way of rationalizing the need to fall in love with someone.
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Filed under: Relationships · Tags: cheater, confession
You’re depressed…there are 3 or 4 key symptoms in there. Seek therapy…you’ll feel better getting things of your chest.
i second that
Heroin will just numb you further. I was addicted to it for awhile (entirely different situation than yours). It numbed my physical pain, anxiety, emotional pain, which is what I wanted at the time. It’s unbelievably addictive, though; it also stunts emotional growth, which is the opposite of what you need. I suggest avoiding it at all costs. I’m off it now, but I’ve slipped up as recently as 2 months ago. You need to be woken up emotionally, to be able to feel love and passion (not necessarily romantic) for something/someone regardless of whether it’s requited. I would recommend volunteering for something, like coaching, tutoring, giving of yourself to someone who needs it, adopting a pet from a shelter, etc. You’ll get a good sense of yourself and who you are from giving and interacting with others without expecting anything in return; your actions will be a purer reflection of who you really are because they won’t be based on getting something in return.