Similar but different

I just read the story “Lied to and manipulated” and can relate to the feelings of that girl. My experience was similar at the beginning but as time went on I not only permitted it to continue but encouraged it. I am 33 now and this all happened from the time I was about 8 and continued until I was 20 years old. It was less frequent as I got older but I continued to let myself be manipulated and encouraged it. It became so pleasing to me I would willingly let myself be abused and soon desired it. As I got older I didn’t think of it as abuse and think now that I was programed to enjoy it. Now that I am older I think maybe brain washed is a more accurate discription.
I don’t remember my parents devorce but my mother remarried when I was 7 or 8. I liked Tom immediately and he was wonderful to both my mother and I. We moved into his house that was beautiful and I had everything a young girl could want. Tom had a work shop behind the house and sold custom office furniture some of which he made himself. My mother worked for a law firm in the city and I went to the best schools. I was just about 8 when I started dancing lessons and just loved it. It was very strenious and demanding at times but I totally enjoyed it and became quite good. I would be very sore sometimes and have pains in my back and legs. It all started one night after dinner when I complained to my mother about the pains I had. I had done ballet lessons that day and the backs of my legs were so painful I was crying. It was like a charlie horse type of pain. Tom got me to lay down on the kitchen table and massaged my legs right in front of my mother. She obviously approved of him doing it and even mentioned that Tom does it to her often. Within 5 or ten minutes the pain subsided and I was thrilled that he did this to me. Over the next few months he did often in the presance of my mother and I appreciated it every time. I got home from school each day around 3pm and my mother usually got home by 6 or 6;30. Tom began asking me if I felt OK and would offer to massage my legs and back. If I had dance lessons that day I would let him do it most of the time. He would always tell my mother he did and she was grateful that he had so much concern for me.
He was always in the work shop when I got off the school bus and I always went in to tell him I was home. I guess he just started to encourage me to let him massage me even if I had no pain from the dancing. It did feel good when he did it so I just went along with it. It became a ritual where he would give me a massage two or sometimes three times a week. I only had dance lessons once a week but he told me it was best to rub me down anyway so I wouldn’t get the pains. It felt great when he did it so I began to look forward to him rubbing me down. It is warm weather most of the year and he began to have me put on my bathing suit so he could give a better massage. A few differnt times over that year my mother was there as he did this to me. I remember telling her many times how much I liked Tom and how nice and good he was tro me. We both trusted and loved him.
Slowly it became more intimate as time went by. I was never intimadated by him and he never forced me to do or wear anything I didn’t want to. When I would go into the shop after school he would always have a soft drink or something for me to eat. Then instead of telling me to go put on my bathing suit he would tell me just to undress but leave my panties on. I was so comfortable with him it didn’t bother me at all for him to see me in my underware and many times I saw him in his underware. He began massaging me with a lotion. Since there was a full bathroom in the work shop with a shower, I would always shower after the rub down and get dressed before my mother got home. By this time nothing mush was said about if he massage me but would sometimes tell my mother. When I think about it now she didn’t seem to ask me or him about it often. He never lied to her when she did ask and would often just tell her he did it to me. She was never concerned about it and am sure she trusted him completely.
Most of the time this went on I was not in any pain but it just felt good and I liked him doing it to me. When I was in pain he always asked me where it hurt and consintrated on that particular area. It progressed to where he would get me to pull my panties down and would massage my buttocks. It sort of embarrassed me at first but again it felt good and I didn’t think much of it. I’m not sure how old I was the first time but he got me to take my panties off completely so that the lotion wouldn’t stain them. As I think back about it now I should have been embarrassed but don’t think I was. He began giving me full body massages on a weekly basis and at times twice a week. Thats when he began giving me subtle hints saying “lets not mention this to your mom”. He still told her at times that he gave me a rub down but it was never mentioned that I was naked when he did it. Sometimes in the evenings he would massage my back with my mother sitting there and I know she never suspected anything improper was going on. I became so comfortable with Tom I had no inhabitions about undressing or having him see me naked. Even as I developed it didn’t seem to matter to me. I’m not sure why, but I never told anyone what he was doing. I enjoyed it everytime and was disappointed sometimes when he didn’t have time or was to busy with work.
His work bench was where the rub downs were done and he eventually had a roll up cushion that I layed down on. He at one time only massage the back of me but after a year or so got me to turn over. Each time I was exposed to him more and every part of my body would be touched. I would just lay there and enjoy it. What used to take 15 or 20 minutes was prolonged for an hour or so. At first he didn’t seem to touch my breasts or vagina often but now I know he avoided doing it at first to see what my reaction would be. He didn’t exactly ask my permission but when he did touch me in certain places would always ask if it felt alright and even asked if Z liked it or how it felt. I think I was so at ease with him I never said anything negative about what he ws doing. The lotion he used was on every part of my body by the time he was finished so I always had to shower afterwards at at times he would wash it off my back. He had me so well trained that he would have me bend my body or be on my side or back and I just did whatever he said. He had me lay on the table so many different ways just to massage differentt parts of my body. I thought little of it and it always felt good no matter what he did.
I’m not sure when it occured to me that he was abusing me but I remember not wanting my mother to find out. By the time Tom started massaging my inner thighs and breasts I knew it was wrong but loved it everytime he did it to me.
I don’t recall how old I was but this had been going on for a few years by that time. He had me so programed I accepted anything he said or did to me. He would have me bend my kness and spread my legs apart while laying on my back. It just started with him rubbing inside my thighs but the back of his hands would more frequently brush across my vagina. I don’t think I did it intentionally at first but began to push in with my pelvis when he did touch me there. About this time I began masturbating and knew that whenever his hand toched my vagina I was stimulated by it and also enjoyed him rubbing my breasts. Whether it was subconcious or not I began telling him how good it felt when he touched me in certain areas. If he touched my breasts or vagina at certain times I would just say Ahh! or tell him how good that felt. It obviously encouraged him when I said things like that so he began doing it more often. My legs would be spread apart as far as possible and aside from massaging my inner thighs he started putting the lotion directly on my vagina and all inside the crack of my rear and anus. I tried not to react to it but I’m sure he knew I was aroused more each time. As soon as he was done I would go in the shower and masturbate. As silly as it sounds I was not at all embarrassed at how he looked at me or touched me. Oddly I didn’t want him to know I masturbated.
He didn’t fully penatrate me at first but began to finger my vagina and anus. As much as I tried to hide it I began to orgasm uncontrolably. He knew it just by the sounds I made and without even thinking about it I moved my pelvis in and out as he fingered me. It was never dicussed by us and became nothing more than part of the rub down. I became active in sports at school and no longer took dancing lessons but the rub downs continued. He asked at times if I wanted one but I also would just tell him my back or legs were sore. I assume my mother thought the rub downs were no longer done and Tom never said anything to her about them. I said nothing also and she never seemed to ask anymore. By this time it only happened once a week and never more than twice, usually on Wednesdays.
If Tom didn’t ask me I would just go into the work shop and ask if he had time to give me a rub down. It had nothing to do with pain and I only did it for my own gratification. He was always willing and I would undress right in front of him. I had noticed for quite a while that he had erections most of the time. I couldn’t tell much if he was wearing jeans but ciuld clearly see he was hard when he had shorts on. I had seen him naked a number of times over the years but nothing was ever said about it and he was never naked when he massaged me. Sometimes he only had shorts on but the only times I ever saw him naked was in the house. Every time he gave me a rub down I was satisfied and at times had more than one orgasm. He would come into the bathroom most of the time as I showered to help wash the lotion off my back or just to talk to me. I was so used to him seeing me naked I never objected to it. He had seen me naked at every angle possible by this time and I think I enjoyed it when he looked at me. He had seen parts of my body closer than I had ever seen and it seemed to excite me knowing that. My mother was completely in the dark about what was happening. While all this went on Tom and I never dicussed sex or the fact that he had me orgasm each time I had a rub down. I never touched him and he never encouraged me to. I often wondered if he jerked off after he did this to me but never saw him masturbating. I knew I aroused him and always looked to see if he had an erection.
I went to college out of state and only was back home a few days each month. Tom hadn’t given me a rub down in several months. I came home one Friday afternoon for the weekend and walked into the work room. Tom and I talked for awhile and I asked him to give me a rub down. I don’t think he expected me to ask by this time. He hemmed and hawed for a few minutes then said OK if I wanted. I guess he thought I was to old then and could tell he was apprehensive about doing it. I just undressed and he put the old padding on the workbench and satisfied me as usual. From that time on he gave me a rubdown each time I came home. We both knew what we were doing but still never talked about it. He just massaged and masturbated me with my full approval. He only did it once a month then for the next year and a half. The last time he did I was 20 and it was just as satifying as it had been for all those years. I knew he and my mother weren’t getting along very well and I was really dissapointed that they were getting a devorce. My mother left him and I only saw him one other time after that. My mother never did and still doesn’t know what went on all those years and I will never tell her.
I’m married now and have two children and have yet to tell anyone what went on between Tom and I. I know my degree of guilt is very high but now that I am older and more mature can see how he programed me. Over a period of years, Tom slowly but surely made me feel comfortable with him. He so manipulated me that he had me wanting the so called rub downs. He didn’t ever force or insist hthat I get a massage but would somhow talk me into it. He had me so much under his control at the very beggining that I began to want him to do it. By the time I got to high school I recall wanting him to massage me and thats when I began asking him to do it. He had me so well trained by that time he no longer had to ask me about it. He knew very well that I desired it and did everything he could to satisfy me. It was sexual but never implied that way and sex was never ever mentioned when he did this. I full well knew it was wrong all those years even when I went to college. I can’t explain or give an excuse for how I continued to want it done to me. I pretended or convinced myself it wasn’t sexual the entire time knowing it was. By not talking about sexual things when these rub downs happened seemed to make it acceptable. The words sex, vagina, breasts, where never mentioned all those years. Not one thing was ever said about arousal or orgasm. Wherever he touched me the parts of my body were never spoken. He would always just say things like, do I like it here, or do you want me to rub you there. For some reason it seemed OK if he or I didn’t say the body part. The start of it was innocent enough but for 11 years it was a sexual thing. Once I became old enough to be aroused by it I began to expect it and looked forward to it. He had me so enthralled by it that it just made it easier for him to train me the way he wanted. He had plenty of time to do it but programmed me into what he wanted a little bit at a time. I allowed it to happen and accept my guilt for it but feel even today that he manipulated me. It took him a couple of years at the start but he had me right where he wanted me and my submission to him was just a bonus for him. At this time of my life I can’t imagine how I could have let him control me so easily. Especially the first two years I was in college. Even though it only happened once a month I still wanted him to do it. I was way old enough then that I should have known better. I laugh at myself sometimes now for being so foolish about it. I think of how I would just stand there and undress in front of him and allow him do do whatever he wanted and even asking him to rub me down. He still came in as I showered to wash my back. He would still just stand there talking to me and I know looking at my body even as I dried off. I was 20 and Tom was almost 50 by this time and yet I still didn’t mind him seeing me naked. I was sexually active by this time but none of my boyfriends had ever seen me to the extent that Tom had so many times. It embarrasses me now but it never did all those years before. My husband and I have a very good sex life but I think sometimes that Tom has actually seen more of my body than even my husband has. This is not something I could dicuss with anyone or ever express how much I liked it at the time. Tom had me orgasm hundreds of times over those years and had me almost begging him for more. I don’t know how much he may have planned things to work out but had me as a willing participant. I suspect he was suprised at how well groomed he had me after awhile and was pleased how easy I made it for him to take advantage of me. I guess I was mesmerized by him and perhaps liked the attention he gave me. It took a few years but when I did understand it was sexual I either didn’t care or was selfish enough that I just wanted to be stimulated and satisfied by him. Not one time in all those years do I ever remember him saying anything sexual to me. I’m sure he knew what he was doing right from the start. The fact that I made it easier for him dosn’t absolve him from guilt but today I actually regret it ever happened. As much as I admit to enjoying it I should have put a stop to it or told my mother about it. Now that I have children I am more aware of things like this going on. I can’t explain why I let it happen for so long particularly when I got older and knew what I was doing and allowing to take place. I can blame Tom in my youger years but have to take the responibility of it as I got older. I should have known beeter to let it continue. At the same time I think Tom knew I would never tell anyone.

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